In this post, I’m going to talk about the most vital ingredient when it comes to the intimate bond with a life partner. Although, to be clear, the same ingredient is key to any bond—be it one between friends, parents and children, siblings, colleagues, teammates, even a bond with a pet, sport, hobby, music, art, or career. It’s just that when it comes to intimacy, this vital ingredient becomes glaringly obvious. Believe it or not, the most vital ingredient to an intimate relationship is to NOT seek intimacy in another. In fact, looking to a life partner to satisfy any “fundamental” need—e.g., happiness, peace, passion, or love—is pretty much a recipe for trouble.
Surprised? I don’t blame you. Upon making this suggestion to most audiences, I’m met with some version of, “I thought that’s what a life partner is for?” And I get that. But this is precisely the reason that so many relationships turn rocky.
Rather, before we turn outward, let’s know ourselves. Partners who understand that the true Self does not lack, that it is whole and complete, will rarely look to another for fulfillment. To them, a bond is a means of expression, not a means to seek. Intimacy, therefore, is the mutual expression of who we are—Happiness, Peace, Passion, Love—or true nature itself.
Indeed, placing a burden that can never be satisfied, the burden of intimacy, on another is the most common and damaging mistake a partner can make. That’s why, first, it’s vital to know where intimacy is found. Not outside in the objective experience of a relationship, but inside, in the shared journey back to true nature or Source.
Intimacy is what inevitably results when we stop asking another to fill a hole that doesn’t exist. From the perspective of the true Self, every experience is closer than close can be.