You’re trying so hard, but . . .
The self cannot know Love.
The self cannot know Peace.
The self cannot know God.
These are the interchangeable names we give to what’s real; names synonymous with Source.
And while it’s noble to try, the self cannot access or know its Source. The self cannot experience what’s real because any knowing from the perspective of the self is an imagined knowing.
In other words, you (the self) are merely the image or agency that God uses to “know” what is not real; to know something—objects, selves, a world—other than itself. God doesn’t need you to know itself. God knows itself by itself as itself.
So, stop trying so darn hard.
You cannot know—let alone seek your way to—Love, Peace, or God. A personal relationship with the impersonal is simply not possible. You’re here at the will of God for the exact opposite “reason.”
It is through you that God knows an illusory world of form.